My Confession
by Ioanne
Summary: VL Two letters with cutting honesty and naked truth after things have been solved in season 2. Starts with Logan’s letter to Veronica and then her response and a short epilogue.
1. Logan

MY CONFESSION

_by Ioanne_

_**Pairing:** V/L_

_**Spoilers:** Seasons 1 & 2 to be on the safe side. This story may also contain some hints of things I have no idea if they are really going to happen in the show but may also contain some pre-heard spoilers of coming episodes._

_**A/N:** Have you ever had the nagging feeling of a story in your head that you just know you can't get rid of unless you write it down? That is what happened here with this very newfound obsession/shippyness of mine…_

_**Summary:** Two letters with cutting honesty and naked truth after things have been solved in season 2. Starts with Logan's letter to Veronica and then her response. The point is to first try to explain and apologize, then let the other off the hook but finally not being able to resist letting what he/she really wants to say to pour out on the paper._

Veronica,

This is my apology. For everything.

I want you to know that you were right to leave me. In the end I would've dragged you down with me to the ugliness that was becoming more and more my life. If I had been even a bit more sensible and selfless I would've made you get out of it sooner. I'm sorry. I was selfish and I loved you and I didn't want to let you go. I felt like you were the only thing in my life that was still good and kept me from drowning and succumbing completely to the bad stuff.

I lived in this illusion that if I never told you about the bad stuff you would never find out about it and I could keep you securely in the safe side and you would always be there, and only there, locked up to the happy side of my life. It was like I was being two people and the other me, the one I desperately wanted to be the _real_ me, was being the perfect boyfriend to this wonderful girl he absolutely adored and loved more than anything in the world. There was nothing ugly in that life, no violence, no fighting, no drinking, nothing. That was the happy world and I wanted so badly to keep it, to keep you.

But then there was the other me who was angry and bitter and wanted nothing more than bring pain and vengeance to those who dared to cross me. I so desperately wanted to make you happy and get you away from all the pain you and I had both been through that I thought that if I just ignored it and tried to pretend it wasn't there it would really go away and stay away from bothering the perfection that was us. But I was wrong, it didn't go away, it just found another way to come out.

And when you finally told me you couldn't deal anymore I honestly didn't first understand why because I thought everything was perfect with us. I couldn't understand how you had anything to do with all those ugly things you talked about. Your life, _our_ life, wasn't supposed to have anything to do with that. And when you finally forced me to see the truth, the two worlds I had been living in collided together with a bang and the reality of it made me snap. The ugliness overwhelmed the happiness and the pain came crashing to the life I wanted to have no pain at all. And by then the pain and rage had become so big that it didn't leave much room for anything else.

I hadn't seen it coming. I know I should've because now that I look back all the signs were there and I should've realised that the crash would've come soon even if you hadn't broken up with me. But back then I just had to put the blame on somebody for destroying my perfect and happy life and who better than you. You were the one that made it happen. It took me this long to realise that I was lucky, _you _were lucky, that you got out before the collision happened on it's own because who knows what would've happened. Something ugly, I'm sure of it, and probably something that would've gotten you hurt. And I never ever wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry I wasn't man enough or strong enough to see it sooner and do something about it.

I never stopped loving you, or being _in love_ with you. I just want you to know that. I know you're hurting because of Duncan and I'm sure I haven't made things any easier for you but I'll start trying. No strings attached, I just want to finally try and be a friend to you. You don't owe me anything but I owe you my life because no matter what happened in the end, you saved my life by being there for me through the summer when I needed you the most.

I'm sorry I couldn't be the kind of guy you wanted and deserved, someone who could make you feel safe and loved, someone you could trust completely. I wanted to be that guy, I still do, but I can't promise you there will never be trouble in my life anymore. I want so much it to be just easy sailing from now on but I know that this is just who I am and the way my life will always be. I need to start accepting myself as I am, maybe then I can finally feel some kind of happiness again.

I love you, so much. I tried but it didn't go away and after a while I stopped trying. I never wanted you to know but I've been given a chance to build my life again and I can't deny that I want you in it. I promised myself that if this nightmare called impending imprisonment ever ended I would start being honest to myself and start telling people close to me how much they mean to me. Of course I was pretty drunk and feeling sorry for myself at the time I made that promise but a promise is a promise and I intend to keep it. Or at least try my best.

So here is my confession to you: I'm laying my heart and my broken life in front of you and I tell you I love you Veronica, and I miss you, and I want you back to my life, in which ever way you think is possible.

L


	2. Veronica

Logan,

I don't know what to say. You've left me speechless. Well, almost anyway. I am so happy that your nightmare is finally over.

I hated myself for hurting you and distrusting you and leaving you when you could've needed me the most but I was too scared for you to stay. If I had stayed and something had happened to you it would've killed me. I loved you too much. I just didn't realise that me leaving wasn't going to change a thing. Something happening to you would've still killed me whether we were together or not. I was extremely naïve and stupid to think that if I wasn't with you anymore it wouldn't hurt that much. I couldn't have been more wrong. I still hate myself for it and I don't expect your forgiveness. The way I see it, I failed you when you needed me, no matter what was going on in your life besides us. I'm not saying everything was my fault, or yours, because we both screwed things up pretty good. It's just easier to see afterwards how differently we both could've handled things.

I'm not saying I regret being with Duncan either because both me and Duncan needed to sort out our feelings for each other. It was unfinished business that was always hanging between you and me too, you have to know that. You and I never even had a fighting change as long as this thing between me and Duncan stayed unsolved. I did still love him and it was good being with him, so very different than what very often was the rollercoaster that was you and me. What I didn't see, or didn't _want_ to see for a long time, was that the rollercoaster was very much more interesting and exciting. I fought against it because I didn't want to admit to myself that the normality I was so desperately looking for wasn't there where I thought it would be nor was it something the real me really even wanted. At least not that kind of normality. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done to make myself admit that I was not this person anymore, nor did I want to be. I think the same went on with Duncan, he just was willing to give up the fight much sooner than I was. I am sad because I miss who I once used to be and I miss Duncan even if he wasn't the one for me anymore. I'm just not as sad as I thought I would be in this situation.

This all has made me realise one thing; I don't really know who I am right now. I don't know where I fit in. I don't know if it's because Duncan is gone or because you are not in my life anymore or because I'm having trouble placing myself anywhere without some ties to Lilly but I do know that I miss you more than I miss Duncan. I know you make me feel more like _me_ than anyone else does. Maybe that's why I have been so nasty to you, because you always made me see the _me_ I really was and I thought I didn't want to be that _me_ anymore. I was stupid to think I had a choice, or that I even wanted one. No matter how much I tried to deny it you made me feel alive, more than anyone ever has.

I still think it was best for both of us that we broke up then. We both had some unfinished business to take care of. I know it worked for me because after this thing with Duncan was finally finished I realised that all I really wanted or needed in my life was you. Let's just face it, in the end we both have pretty screwed up lives but together we make perfect sense. I don't want or need you to be perfect or flawless or even trouble-less, that's all part of you and I want _all_ of you. I can't promise you I won't worry or that there will be no more fighting because that's the way I am and always will be. I want you to be just you and I want to be able to be just me and I would be very happy to see if there can be us again, for real this time. Even with those other people in the world.

Like I said, I did love Duncan, but I never stopped loving you or being _in love_ with you no matter how deep in denial I tried to be. If you, in spite of you letter, got spooked or decide that you're not ready after all, it's okay, I won't hold it against you. I can't really blame you for not trusting me that easily anymore. So no strings attached either, I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you need me. With anything, anytime.

So no more lying, only the honest and naked truth and here's my confession to you: I love you Logan, and I miss you, and I want you back to my life to make me whole again.

V


	3. Epilogue

Epilogue:

Next day Veronica saw the 'Out of order' –sign on the girls' bathroom door. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach because she knew she would find Logan there. She knew there was no reason to be nervous but she was anyway. But when she opened the door the butterflies flew away and there were just eyes meeting eyes and lips meeting lips in a tender and loving kiss. And then there were hands…. oh, those hands…. everywhere. And the kiss that became more passionate with every passing second.

Outside there was one secretly very relieved Wallace hanging around covertly guarding the bathroom door so that no one would even try to get in. You wondering how Wallace fit in the picture? Well, someone had to play the part of a courier with these letters.


End file.
